After so long feeling like I should hold it all to myself and suck it up, I got to a point where I just need to open up, or else I'm gonna explode. I've always tried to be as strong as I could for the sake of everyone around me, but right now I just can't... I'm officially broken.
No one will ever understand how overwhelming it feels to put your all into something and then just watch it sink. I feel terribly lonely now, and it's been almost two years I feel like this and have cried out for help so many times and all my words end up falling on deaf ears.
It's hard as hell to try to keep acting like everything's normal when you know and you feel deep inside it isn't. When you used to have someone by your side to support you and suddenly you don't have that anymore. When each day you notice that anything becomes a distraction that makes them forget about you and you can't do anything, because everytime you say something about it, you're overreacting and being selfish... and you see that the matter isn't lack of time in general, it's just that their focus changed to something/someone else.
And after months and months of staying silent, trying to cope, you find yourself so hopeless that you start to give up on everything you used to love, one by one... and you see that it doesn't really matter if you're there or not. It won't change much. And you see decisions that should involve you being taken without your consent, or without anyone really thinking about how you're gonna feel. In the end, you used to be so strong, you might be even be a robot, right?
But what no one knows is how many nights you spent crying yourself to sleep because what you feel never really mattered in the end. What no one notices is that you spend the day laughing and acting like you're okay, but on the inside you just want to fall on your bed and sleep forever.
I'm just so tired because when I try to open up people usually just act like I'm being too dramatic but they don't want to know I'm dying inside, they just think it's too hard for them to make any difference and prefer to brush the problem away, taking the easy path. And the best part is knowing that even though I said all of this and exposed myself in this post, the people who really matter will probably just act like they never read it...
God, I'm so hopeless... =.=